Ebb and Flow

The passage from winter to the approaching spring over recent years has always been a bit of challenge for me.  My internal soul clock counted the days until March 17th with some trepidation.  After all the hustle and bustle of Christmas, New Years and the onslaught of so many birthdays (mine as well), I had to face the harsh reality of the loss of a son.  Winter’s cold blast seemed to reflect, with pin point accuracy how this day typically impacts me.  It’s like a proverbial ton of bricks coming down with enough power to wipe out an army.  Orange sadness would creep in and I would walk once again into the valley of the shadows of death.  That’s how it was!

This year, I made a firm commitment that it would be different.  This year, with the inevitable ebb and flow of the holidays and birthdays, along with our blistering weather seem to mimic the shock and despair many feel when facing a loss,  I resolved not to experience this day with sadness.  Instead I would reclaimed it, and replace the sorrow and loss with something other than orange sadness and gray skies.  Oh, I acknowledged missing our beloved Shawn. However, those priceless memories of laughter, and love which his life represented, not only for me, but also for countless family and friends would be colored differently.  As I posted our son’s photo on Facebook, and tried diligently to thank each and every person who commented, I marveled at the amazing responses. Their thoughts, remembrances, and prayers, both past and present seemed in step with mine own.  A new, transforming ebb and flow emerged, and continued well into the evening.

Yesterday, I awoke with profound gratitude, and a song in my heart for our son and for his legacy.  Sunlight broke across the gray horizon, as I tenderly shared with a small group, what this today had become.  I had colored the day with the bright SON-LIGHT of God’s love and grace, instead of green.  This one particular ebb and flow is now filled with something more, LOVE.